Mindplace


Not my artwork, but a To Do list that I need to take to heart.

I’m in a curious mindspace today. It’s one of those days where I can sense that there is a lot of work going on somewhere below the level of conscious thought and I don’t have any insight into what it is about or why it is suddenly requiring so much of my mental resources. All I can do is hear the whirring and grinding and sit in vague apprehension while I wait for some result to emerge; all the while hoping that I won’t see smoke.

This sense of unease and restlessness has manifested itself in the form of nervous housekeeping. On Saturday I found myself scrubbing the grease off the hood over the stove, followed by offloading a dozen bolts of fabric onto a friend in order to get them out of storage. It suddenly became very important that I sweep the back stoop, and organize all the bric a brac on the shelf outside the kitchen window. It suddenly became very important for me to change the towels under the dish drainer. It suddenly became very important for me to change the sheets. On Sunday I organized receipts and for down into the corners of the bathroom with bleach cleaner and a sponge to scrub away grit that otherwise resists the conventional swiffer.

On one hand: my baseboards look lovely for a change. On the other hand, this is not normal behavior for me.

While I appreciate the new tidy surfaces and sense of orderliness, I can’t help but wonder if I’m compensating for some other form of anxiety. Perhaps this was some elaborate kind of procrastination designed to prevent me from writing- the closer I get to my self imposed deadline the more I seem to find excuses not to write. Or maybe it has to do with worry over money or the renewal of our lease or poor upcoming travel plans. Or maybe it’s not worry at all but a surge of motivation coming upon me now that the slog of depression is lifted and I’m just not used to it. Difficult for me to say one way or another.

I guess the bottom line is that I find myself in a place of anticipation for Some Big Thing that I don’t really know what to expect and I’m finding ways to keep myself busy to avoid dwelling on it.

Time will tell.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on June 24, 2019.

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