I slid backwards into depression again over the weekend. There didn’t seem to be any reason for it; but then again, that’s the nature of depression. Some times it just appears like an unexpected guest.

The thing about depression is that it isn’t something that comes to you from the outside world, it bubbles up from inside you and just kinda whispers what’s the point? Over and over. About everything. Simple, basic tasks suddenly seem to take more energy that they are worth because what’s the point? Doing the dishes? What’s the point? Folding the laundry? What’s the point? Researching agents and publishers for the novel? What’s the point?

Doing anything at all feels impossibly draining, and doing nothing at all just gives the depression your undivided attention for it to showcase your every shortcoming and regret. All you want to do is sleep, but sleep won’t come, and when it does it is so fraught with anxious dreams that you wake up more tired that when you went to bed. And when you try to get back to work? What’s the point?

I’m glad today is a therapy day. I’m glad that the feelings are going to be fresh when I need to talk about them so that I won’t be tempted to just sweep them under a rug. I wish I knew what underlying issue was causing me to continually cycle through these feelings and/or what it is exactly that sets me off. It would be nice to get to enjoy the summer as a time of fun and leisure instead of as a time of exhausting self reflection.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on July 22, 2019.

3 Responses to “Backslide”

  1. It’s not always progress! I’m reading a book at the moment that creates a dialogue about how the food choices we make can effect our internal state. It’s really helped me recognise and make conscious decisions not just for my body, but for my mind. Happy to share the book with you if it’s something you think you could find some utility in. Thanks for sharing.

    • Hi- I know diet can play a huge role in mood do if love to get the title of that book if you’re willing to share

      • Of course! It’s called “ultramind solution” by Dr. Hyman. Really helped me realise some of the foods I was eating were making me sick. Hope you’ll find something useful in there.

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