I drove into the office today. It’s that “quiet” time of the year when everybody takes their last vacation before the start of the school year so I decided that if ever there was a time to schedule all those appointments that can only happen on a weekday, as if none of us have to work for a living then this was it. I feel guilty for taking the time off. I’m not even taking the whole day: just a few hours in the afternoon. And I’m coming in early to make up for it. Sort of: I’m in early but there’s nothing to do.

I miss having my writing. It used to be that free time like this would be a time to brainstorm whatever writing project I was working on. Now, I tend to fall into the trap of ruminating. I sometimes think that my train of thought is like that old Snake game where you had to keep a little line of dots, the”snake”, moving and dodging obstacles and eating little food dots. The snake gets longer and longer the more you play and pretty soon the whole game is about trying to zig zag back and forth enough to keep from tangling yourself up in your tail until the whole screen is full.

There’s no winning in this game.

So I’m trying to keep myself distracted in other ways. Sometimes I will guiltily read a few pages of my manuscript just to reassure myself that it still exists. Yesterday I ran the dreaded “that” word search (“that” being a word that is easily overused and often superfluous). I had about two-thousand hits. I’ve started going through to remove the extra ones and I’m pleased to only be deleting about every forth or fifth one: which I take as a sign to mean the rest are used meaningfully. But I have a long way to go.

My energy and mood have both been very low again lately. On Monday, my therapy session with Aurelius got cancelled because the insurance authorization ran out. At the time I thought I’d be fine without it, and was even a bit glad to be able to save the weeks copay (because, yes, my finances are getting to the point where that makes a difference). But now I’m wishing I’d had the outlet for some of the feelings swirling around me. Hopefully, next week things will resume.

So, that’s life right now: don’t breathe too deep, don’t think all day, dive into work, drive the other way.

I’m quoting “Rent”.

What have I become?

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on August 7, 2019.

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