I took a week off from writing. My mood was low which meant that my inspiration and concentration were low too, and the things that were biggest on my mind: depression, frustration, futility, etc. didn’t really seem like topics about which I had anything meaningful to say. So it was easier just to say nothing for a while.

It was a week of disappointed hopes. On Monday I hoped the insurance company would approve additional sessions for therapy, with no luck. The therapist had put in the request weeks ago but still no response. I asked if it was worth me calling myself, but he said he didn’t think it would make a difference. On Tuesday mutt mood was so low I spent the morning crying at my desk like La Llorona and even seriously considered going home early, but the tide of tears ebbed somewhat around lunch hour and I was able to make it through the rest of the day. On Wednesday I stayed steady by not thinking at all if I could help it. I emerged just long enough to send a message to my new primary care physician to ask if there was anything else I should be doing and ended up making an appointment. On Thursday I found out I didn’t get the job I’d interviewed for. Either one. They were perfect jobs for me and I would have been perfect for either one, but alas, Thank You But The Positions Have Been Filled. Drowned myself in tears over it.

By Friday I was pretty burned out. I applied listlessly to a few more jobs, sent another query for my novel, spent a lot of time once again trying not to think, to breathe, to feel. I went home numb and did my best to stay that way all weekend.

So today was the doctor’s appointment in which I discussed the possibility of antidepressants for the first time in my life, and I left with a little paper bag of mixed feelings. Right now I’m sitting outside the therapist’s office killing time until my appointment time: another twelve sessions newly approved.

Today has been reasonably steady: I’ve been trying to stretch my mind around a philosophical adjustment about selflessness and Greater Purpose, but I’m not sure if I believe it yet. If nothing else, I at least feel like I’m building the professional support around myself that I need. Hopefully that will be some help.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on August 19, 2019.

One Response to “”

  1. Great post 🙂

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