Pinhead


Apropos of nothing, this was left on the printer at work.

The pill was the size of a grain of rice. And I was only supposed to take half. The pharmacy had provided me with an ingenius pill splitter for free, which was good because there was no way I was going to be able to split one of those bad boys without crushing it.

The resulting pill fragment was the size of a pinhead. This? I thought, This is supposed to hold back my mood swings? It seemed so extraordinarily out of proportion to the size of my Feelings. But who was I to judge? Maybe a little dab would so me.

So I took it. I think. It was small enough I didn’t feel it in my mouth. The next day passed without tears and without spiraling angst or persecuting thoughts. I presumed that this was coincidence: I was told that it would be several weeks before I felt any different, as the medication would take time to build up to “therapeutic levels”. Taking it one pinhead amount at a time, I could understand why. But I was relieved to feel calm for a day, even if it was only placebo effect.

So this begins my journey of pharmaceutical intervention for managing my moods. Sigh. I’m regretful that it had to come to this: I always wanted to believe that I was strong enough to withstand whatever life would throw at me, but now I’m forced to admit that even within my own mind I need help to thrive in this chaotic world. But it doesn’t have to be forever either: clearly I’m struggling to navigate a frustrating part of my life right now and it would be significantly easier for me to do so if I could just get out of my own way.

In other news: I’ve pretty much given up on the whole wait-until-after-September-to-edit-my-manuscript thing. At first it was minor changes: editing out extra “that”s, changing a character’s name to have a different first letter to make it easier to keep track of who was who (I had too many names beginning with Go), etc. But now I’m legitimately making line edits and restructuring chapters, so I guess I’m officially editing now. It’s work that I look forward to. I feel like I’m back among friends. When I sit down on the bus I’m excited to dig out my laptop. When I get off the bus after working I feel relaxed. So maybe that’s helping my mood too. I tell myself it’s ok to be this eager to get back to work: that it’s a good sign that I’m not sick of the story yet. It’ll be interesting to see how this plays out.

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~ by Gwydhar Gebien on August 21, 2019.

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