Fall Feels

You know fall has come to Los Angeles when you wake up to the smell of wood smoke and a gentle snowfall of ash settles across everything you own. This was what I woke up to last Friday. The fires were north of us: close enough for our house to be enveloped in a haze of smoke but not close enough to be any imminent danger. By Saturday the winds shifted and the excitement passed leaving everything covered in dust. I had grand plans of how much cleaning I was going to get doneover the weekend, but only succeeded in wiping down the kitchen, then baking, then wiping down the kitchen, then baking, then wiping down the kitchen.

This was a fairly representative sample of my productivity forthe weekend: I got some things done, but not as much as I would have hoped and a disappointingly high proportion was spent just facilitating other things that needed to be done.

I met with a new therapist on Sunday. It’s hard to say if he’s the right fit, yet, but all my feelings were very close to the surface during the session, even though it was just a “getting to know you” type conversation, so if one thing is clear to me it is that I need someone to be talking to, even if I have to pay out of pocket until my insurance kicks in. The old and, regrettably, familiar feelings of frustration and fear-of-inferiority were back and were strong and even going for my usual run (which defuses about seventy-five percent of my bad moods) wasn’t enough to put these feelings away.

I’m not sure where the feelings cane from. I blame the full moon: it seems as good a reason as any. I would have thought that raising the dosage on my antidepressants would have reduced this kind of feeling, but the past week was full of ups and downs, so it’s hard to know what is cause and what is effect. After doing the dishes and wiping down the kitchen (again) I retreated to my office to do some more editing which seemed to sooth my mind. So today has been somewhat steadier.

At any rate, I don’t have a good sense of how this week is likely to go: maybe that’s just as well- it will keep me from trying to control things I have no control over. We’ll see how it goes.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on October 14, 2019.

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