Emotion Explosion

I had another appointment with the new therapist yesterday. Afterwards, I experienced a nearly panic-attack level mood swing while driving home. I made it home safely and had to sit in the car for five minutes sobbing before I could pull myself together enough to go inside, at which point I spent another twenty minutes sobbing into the Curmudgeonly Lion’s shoulder, into the bathroom sink while brushing my teeth, and into the carpet while doing my planks.

Depression is a helluva drug.

Unsurprisingly, I feel pretty wrung out today, and my eyes are so swollen I almost don’t recognize them.

I find it frustrating to still be struggling struggling with this kind of low mood and volatile mood swings: at after all, I’ve changed my job, I’ve committed to therapy, I’m on medication and have been steadily upping the dose (as per the advice of professionals), I’m in good health and I’m now exercising daily. Something should have helped by now. Or so it feels. And yet here we are.

The therapist theorizes that this is the result of Adjustment Disorder: that my system is overreacting to the fact that I’ve made so many changes and is piling on extra helpings of depressive and anxious feelings as a warped form of compensation. Delightful. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

The good news is: if he’s right about these feelings being the result of Adjustment Disorder (and I suspect that they are- that assessment rings true) then the effects are transient and will go away after after a while. I presume this will happen naturally, just as I get used to all these changes I’ve made, although the underlying depression will still be there lurking under the surface for me to tackle. Still, I feel like it will be progress just to make it back to level ground.

To be fair, I have already seen some progress: I actually feel like smiling in pictures again for a change which is a BIG difference from Labor day when I couldn’t even bring myself to manage that much. I no longer sit at my desk and fight tears for eight hours while trying to power through the feeling that every minute that goes by is a waste of my life. I’m slightly less defenseless against intrusive thoughts and persecuting voices, but I’m still exhausted of fighting. I’m tired of being so sensitive to EVERYTHING.

In spite of appearances, I believe that this most recent an angst spiral was actually a good sign: the feelings were certainly unpleasant and intense, but I suspect it is because they were built up from the three or four weeks of transition where I didn’t address any of them. I want to believe that the fact they are coming out now is a sign that my body thinks it’s safe for them to come out now: the way that a toddler will blow up at a trusted parent after a stressful day of school. It’s unpleasant, but I’d rather get it out of my system if I can. Maybe this is what letting it all go looks like.

One way to find out.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on October 22, 2019.

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