Change Time

The clocks went back over the weekend. Somehow it feels like my mood has been reset too: in a good way. Yesterday, I went for a run during the evening (the same time on the day before would have still been considered afternoon) and afterwards I was standing out in the front yard watering the roses and I realized that I felt Good. Like, actually Good. Not just ‘Not-Bad’. Not just ‘Steady’. Not just ‘Too-Tired-To-Feel’.

It was nice.

I tried to remember the last time I’d actually felt good like that. My memory took me back to a day trip that we’d taken down to San Diego for a day at the beach.

Last September.

More than a year ago.

Not a great track record, but that’s depression for you.

It was an incredible feeling of relief to feel good: I was pleased to discover that I still had the capacity to experience it. And it was reassuring: like armor- all the dark thoughts that usually dragged me down seemed to be small and far away. Periodically they would brush up against me during the evening and I was able to dismiss them without a second thought. They just slipped off my mind without ever sinking in. I could breathe easily. The future felt inevitably positive: I didn’t have to worry about it, it was all going to be just fine. More than fine: fantastic. All my wildest dreams and more.

I can’t say where this newfound essence of certainty came from, but I’m certainly glad it is here, and I hope to enjoy it for as long as I can. The sense of relief and optimism has persisted so far through today. I feel a little bit unfocused, but in a pleasant, meditive way. It’s been difficult to focus on my writing, but that’s temporary: I just need to give my brain a chance to rewire itself. And if I have to sacrifice a bit of creative momentum in order to free myself from all this angst, it will be Time Well Spent.

Anyway, for the moment things are good and I’m hoping that I can keep the trend going for a while.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on November 4, 2019.

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