Mistakes Were Made


We ran out of eggs so we decided to try using almond butter as a substitute in our pancakes.

This was a mistake.

First of all, it didn’t work: I presumed something sticky like almond butter would help bind the batter together. And it did- so much so that it was too thick to pour. And when we softened it up a bit with milk and spread it in a pan, it still refused to bind and just turned into grainy, burnt, hot mush.

We gave up. The Curmudgeonly Lion had a few slices of pizza for breakfast, left over from the night before, whilst I- being a tightwad – thought it would be a shame to throw out so much almond-butter-batter. After all: the only reason they tell you not to eat uncooked batter is because of the eggs. And there were no eggs. That was kind of the point.

I splopped the rest of the batter into a mug and microwaved it, figuring that I could treat it like a high protein porridge.

This was a mistake.

Or, rather, a severe miscalculation. There wasn’t all that much batter, volume wise- it barely filled the mug halfway. But MAN did it hit my stomach like a sack of wet cement. By the time I finished, I was pretty sure I would never need to eat again. Ever. For as long as I lived. They talk about “stick to your ribs” meals? Well, this was what they meant.

So, that was breakfast.

Afterwards, the Curmudgeonly Lion went grocery shopping leaving me alone in the house for a few hours. Since it was the solstice, I got the bright idea of opening up all the windows and burning some sage.

This was a mistake.

It seemed like a good idea at the time: you know- cleansing. A good time to dust my flat surfaces and clean the cobwebs off the rafters and, while I was at it, shoo away any bad juju that might be lurking.

Well, if there was any bad juju, it was all lurking inside me, because by the time I was done I was broken out in cold sweats and nauseated as a kid on a carousel. I put the burnt sage outside and went to have a lie down.

This was pretty much the repeating pattern of my day yesterday. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, I guess.

~ by Gwydhar Gebien on June 22, 2020.

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